Wednesday, 4 January 2017


I decided that after a lot of unprompted (actually requested) advice from family and friends on what they perceive I should be doing to get my shit together...I thought about it for quite some time today, maybe it has been mulling in my head for several months.  In between pretending to be a dog for my toddler to walk and feed and other mimic games, I decided to try and decode the most common advice I received in the last half of this year...."you need to work on yourself and be alone (and not only be alone but fucking like being alone)".

I struggled a little bit with this.  I am not a loner type person, I am a twin for starters - which means I was never alone, not even in the womb!  And I would generally for the most part chose an option that had friends involved than not.  But, I stress BUT this does not mean that I want a romantic partner or feel like I need a "man" in my life to feel complete.  I have those days where I crave coming home to an empty house.  Something that I am at peace with at the moment is that I am not ready to be in another relationship.  Having to compromise to parent is all I am up for at the moment.  I don't want to compromise for anyone else.  When GB and I were having problems, I thought I would have a "year of living selfishly"  which sort of meant that I would do what is being branded as "self care".  And I tried, and I had some shining moments, but they were not enough.  And so I have extended that year...indefinitely.
Today I decided what I have learnt is that, I have the job thing down.  I like my job.  I actually enjoy going to work everyday, I know...!  I like the environment I have created for myself, the flat I rent is cute and suits me, I love the area I live in - it is all cool.  Family is as family does - mine are probably like most others -they are loving and supporting and frustrating. So the missing ingredient.....self love / self care / feeling worthy all that kind of stuff.   urgh.  That is the hard stuff.
 I just spent about 45 mins reading about tips and hacks to love oneself.  And what is so annoying about these articles, is that they are just full of simple advice that anyone knows, but perhaps never practises.  I am starting to believe that this self love thing might be the same as the ultimate diet -  you do all the research and reading and it all sounds so simple and hard work, that you keep reading and researching hoping for the quick remedy.

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